Mobile Blogging

Now i've got this saved to my contacts, this could be neat :)

it's getting crowded in here

at any given time there is quite a lot going though my head. it's rather bothersome to be honest, from time to time I've even thought that I was going crazy. quite often I have some deep philosophical conversation with myself or I'll worry about what people think of me. sometimes I make up conversations with other people about something I'm thinking about or wonder what's going on elsewhere. I've even thought about how I was going to word this blog more than once. with all this I often with that I could just have some quiet.

and then I hang out with diana. whenever I'm alone with her it all just goes away. she often asks me what I'm thinking about, and all I can respond with is "I love you." I know that she doesn't believe that's what I'm really thinking about, but it is. when we're alone all that matters is that I love her and she loves me. the rest of it just disappears, she makes the craziness of the world stop. time seems to stop whenever I run my fingers over her body and the only thing that matters is pleasing this goddess that lays before me. I don't worry about my friends or the lack there-of, I don't think of corrupt political or religious systems, just her. I love it :)

blah

So I just spent the last twenty minutes uploading music to imeem cause they decided to cut about twenty songs on my playlist down to 30 second previews. I don't really get why they decide to do this, I mean sure, legal issues blah blah blah, but what's the point? all it does is make people download the songs and then post their own versions, taking up more and more memory space on their servers and people still hear the music they want on there.

I didn't really do much of anything today, I sat around and played lotro a lot. Respen's up to 33 now! It takes me a couple days per level now, which is kind of a drag since I could do a couple a day in WoW up until 60, but whatever. so far the game's been a blast.

I suppose that's all I feel like writing about for now, I'm in a pretty melo mood right now, I'm not really sure why. maybe that's why I felt like blogging, I miss the good old melo days.

Where Do We Go From Here?

The battle's done, and we kinda won,
So we sound our victory cheer.
Where do we go from here?

Why is the path unclear?
When we know hope is near.
Understand we'll go hand in hand,
But we'll walk alone in fear.
(Tell me) Where do we go from here?

What I've Done

Well, I finally did it. I finally told Diana the truth about everything. I knew that I'd have to tell her if we were ever to get married and go on to anything else but I was really really afraid of what would happen. I knew the things I did and the way I've lied to her for almost as long as we've been going out could be the end of us, but she at least had to know. I had no idea of knowing how she'd react, I didn't know if she'd just stop talking to me completely or if we would be able to work it out. So far we're still talking but I don't know how things will turn out. Diana pointed out that I'm not even fighting to stay together, but I don't even know if I should. I've put her through so much, should I try to convince her to stay with me? Should I try at all to influence what she's thinking about? I really don't know. In my heart I'm screaming at her to take me back, I can't stand the thought of losing her and I don't know what will happen if she decides to leave me; but my head tells me that I need to let her make the decision. I'm the one that fucked up and I can't really try and change her mind in this.
I know that I'm not very good with words and sometimes I'm not clear with what I mean. I've never ever doubted the way I feel for Diana, I've never tried to convince anyone that I wasn't with her, and I've never ever cheated on her or even flirted with anybody. For years now Diana has never known the whole truth about everything I've done, I wanted her to think I was the boyfriend she wanted, I wanted her to think that I was telling her the truth, I wanted her to think I was anything but what I really am. I don't know if I need counseling or what. I really don't know where I go from here. Maybe now, after clearing out almost 4 years of built up and intricately constructed lies I can finally move forward and change who I am. Diana knows what I've done, for better or for worse, if she wants to stay with me I have the opportunity to do it without lies and build a stronger connection in time, but if she doesn't then I have to accept that I killed our relationship. Diana has done everything she could to make sure that I was alright, she fed me, put gas in my car, put clothes on my back, and gave me the time of day when nobody else would. I really don't deserve her to come back, do I?