What I've Done

Well, I finally did it. I finally told Diana the truth about everything. I knew that I'd have to tell her if we were ever to get married and go on to anything else but I was really really afraid of what would happen. I knew the things I did and the way I've lied to her for almost as long as we've been going out could be the end of us, but she at least had to know. I had no idea of knowing how she'd react, I didn't know if she'd just stop talking to me completely or if we would be able to work it out. So far we're still talking but I don't know how things will turn out. Diana pointed out that I'm not even fighting to stay together, but I don't even know if I should. I've put her through so much, should I try to convince her to stay with me? Should I try at all to influence what she's thinking about? I really don't know. In my heart I'm screaming at her to take me back, I can't stand the thought of losing her and I don't know what will happen if she decides to leave me; but my head tells me that I need to let her make the decision. I'm the one that fucked up and I can't really try and change her mind in this.
I know that I'm not very good with words and sometimes I'm not clear with what I mean. I've never ever doubted the way I feel for Diana, I've never tried to convince anyone that I wasn't with her, and I've never ever cheated on her or even flirted with anybody. For years now Diana has never known the whole truth about everything I've done, I wanted her to think I was the boyfriend she wanted, I wanted her to think that I was telling her the truth, I wanted her to think I was anything but what I really am. I don't know if I need counseling or what. I really don't know where I go from here. Maybe now, after clearing out almost 4 years of built up and intricately constructed lies I can finally move forward and change who I am. Diana knows what I've done, for better or for worse, if she wants to stay with me I have the opportunity to do it without lies and build a stronger connection in time, but if she doesn't then I have to accept that I killed our relationship. Diana has done everything she could to make sure that I was alright, she fed me, put gas in my car, put clothes on my back, and gave me the time of day when nobody else would. I really don't deserve her to come back, do I?